PSYCHOLOGY HUMOR PAGE
You have found the Psychology Humor page. I thought it was pretty well hidden. Oh well, read on at your own risk. Suggestions for additions are always welcome.
Questions and Answers
- (Q) How many clinical psychologists does it
take to change a light bulb? (A) Only one but the light
bulb has to want to change.
- (Q) How many psychology professors does it take to
change a light bulb? (A) One with two graduate students,
but they get three papers out of it.
- (Q) How many psychoanalysists does it take to change a light bulb? (A) Two.
One to screw the bulb and one to hold the penis...I mean ladder.
- (Q) What is the difference between a clinical
psychologist and a psychiatrist? (A) About thirty dollars
- (Q) Did you matriculate in psychology? (A) No, I
drank and smoked some, but I think some of the other
- (Q) What is a metaphor? (A) To keep cows in.
- (Q) Do you and your wife have mutual orgasm? (A) No, we
have State Farm.
- (Q) How do you treat male sexual offenders in
Tennessee? (A) With penile incarceration.
- (Q) How many people work in the Psychology Department?
(A) About twenty-five percent.
- (Q) What's the difference between a psychologist and
a magician? (A) A psychologist pulls habits out of rats,
- (Q) How do you tell the difference between the psychologists and the patients in
a psychiatric hospital? (A) The patients get better and leave.
- (Q) What do UTC students get on their GRE's? (A) Crumbs from their Moon Pies.
- (Q) What does the acronym DAM stand for? (A) Mothers Against Dyslexia
- A psychologist is a person who tells you what everybody
knows in a language nobody can understand.
- The superego is that part of the
personality soluble in alcohol, or the superego is that small inner voice that
warns us that someone may be looking.
- A neurotic is a person who has discovered
the secret of perpetual emotion.
- A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing and mean your
- A hypochondriac is a person who wants to
have his ache and treat it too.
- A kleptomaniac is a person who helps
himself because he can't help himself.
- Consciousness is that annoying time between periods of
- A sadist is a person who does kind things
to a masochist.
- The Freudian Virus causes your PC to become obscessed
with its own motherboard.
- Guilt feelings are the attempt to express the good
intentions you never really had.
- Lysdexia is a peech imspediment we live to learn with.
- A lottery is a tax on people who don't know statistics.
Smoky Mountain Psychiatric Terms
- Benign: What you be after you be eight
- Catscan: Looking for the kitty
- Coma: A little squiggly punctuation mark
- Genital: A non-Jewish person
- Impotent: Distinguished, well known
- Morbid: A higher eBay offer
- Outpatient: A person who has fainted
- Seizure: A Roman emperor
- Tumor: One plus one more
- Urine: Opposite of you're out
- Testicle: A humorous question on an personality examination
- Flatulence: The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
One (or two) Liners
- After being introduced, the new member of the
psychoanalysts' interest group was asked if he would like to
lie down and say a few words.
- You can always tell a psychologist, but you can't tell
him (her) much.
- Psychologists do it testily.
- It is so simple to be smart. Just think of something
really dumb to say, and then say the opposite.
- Start every class with a smile and get it over with.
- I went to a psychologist for years to get my head on
straight. After all that time and money I found out it was
only my tie that was on crooked.
- I told my psychologist that I keep hearing strange
voices in my ear. He said, "Where do you want to hear
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- "Incontinence Hotline... Can you hold, please?"
- I have a problem, Doctor. --So, get another doctor.
- World's shortest book: "Career Opportunities for
- The doctor gave me an I.Q. test. I was relieved that
the results were negative.
- You're probably a psychology graduate student if you wonder if APA style will
allow you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication."
- "Penis Envy" was Freud's most phallacious construct.
- Those of you who believe in telekinesis.... please raise my hand.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
"A professor is one who talks in
someone else's sleep."-- W. H. Auden
Last revision: 8 January 2005