You have found the Psychology Humor page. I thought it was pretty well hidden. Oh well, read on at your own risk. Suggestions for additions are always welcome.

Questions and Answers

  1. (Q) How many clinical psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? (A) Only one but the light bulb has to want to change.
  2. (Q) How many psychology professors does it take to change a light bulb? (A) One with two graduate students, but they get three papers out of it.

  3. (Q) How many psychoanalysists does it take to change a light bulb? (A) Two. One to screw the bulb and one to hold the penis...I mean ladder.

  4. (Q) What is the difference between a clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist? (A) About thirty dollars an hour.
  5. (Q) Did you matriculate in psychology? (A) No, I drank and smoked some, but I think some of the other students matriculated.
  6. (Q) What is a metaphor? (A) To keep cows in.
  7. (Q) Do you and your wife have mutual orgasm? (A) No, we have State Farm.
  8. (Q) How do you treat male sexual offenders in Tennessee? (A) With penile incarceration.
  9. (Q) How many people work in the Psychology Department? (A) About twenty-five percent.
  10. (Q) What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? (A) A psychologist pulls habits out of rats, ...
  11. (Q) How do you tell the difference between the psychologists and the patients in a psychiatric hospital? (A) The patients get better and leave.

  12. (Q) What do UTC students get on their GRE's? (A) Crumbs from their Moon Pies.

  13. (Q) What does the acronym DAM stand for? (A) Mothers Against Dyslexia


  1. A psychologist is a person who tells you what everybody knows in a language nobody can understand.
  2. The superego is that part of the personality soluble in alcohol, or the superego is that small inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.
  3. A neurotic is a person who has discovered the secret of perpetual emotion.
  4. A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
  5. A hypochondriac is a person who wants to have his ache and treat it too.
  6. A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.
  7. Consciousness is that annoying time between periods of sleep.
  8. A sadist is a person who does kind things to a masochist.
  9. The Freudian Virus causes your PC to become obscessed with its own motherboard.

  10. Guilt feelings are the attempt to express the good intentions you never really had.

  11. Lysdexia is a peech imspediment we live to learn with.

  12. A lottery is a tax on people who don't know statistics.

Smoky Mountain Psychiatric Terms

  1. Benign: What you be after you be eight

  2. Catscan: Looking for the kitty

  3. Coma: A little squiggly punctuation mark

  4. Genital: A non-Jewish person

  5. Impotent: Distinguished, well known

  6. Morbid: A higher eBay offer

  7. Outpatient: A person who has fainted

  8. Seizure: A Roman emperor

  9. Tumor: One plus one more

  10. Urine: Opposite of you're out

  11. Testicle: A humorous question on an personality examination

  12. Flatulence: The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller

One (or two) Liners

  1. After being introduced, the new member of the psychoanalysts' interest group was asked if he would like to lie down and say a few words.
  2. You can always tell a psychologist, but you can't tell him (her) much.
  3. Psychologists do it testily.
  4. It is so simple to be smart. Just think of something really dumb to say, and then say the opposite.

  5. Start every class with a smile and get it over with.

  6. I went to a psychologist for years to get my head on straight. After all that time and money I found out it was only my tie that was on crooked.

  7. I told my psychologist that I keep hearing strange voices in my ear. He said, "Where do you want to hear them?"

  8. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  9. "Incontinence Hotline... Can you hold, please?"

  10. I have a problem, Doctor. --So, get another doctor.

  11. World's shortest book: "Career Opportunities for Psychology Majors."

  12. The doctor gave me an I.Q. test. I was relieved that the results were negative.

  13. You're probably a psychology graduate student if you wonder if APA style will allow you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication."

  14. "Penis Envy" was Freud's most phallacious construct.

  15. Those of you who believe in telekinesis.... please raise my hand.

  16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  17. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep."-- W. H. Auden
Wes Morgan

Last revision: 8 January 2005